Hostility from your Partner's family

[Xavier]

As a person happily part of an interracial marriage, one of the first questions posed to me when someone finds out that my wife is white is 'What did her family think?' And it's almost always what did her family think long before 'What did your family think?'

Well maybe I was lucky in that my future in-laws didn't really didn't show any negative emotions about it. In fact, they pretty much embraced me with open arms -- pretty much. Grandma was kind of hard but she softened eventually, to the point of giving me hugs, which is a far cry from her initial 'No black man will come into my house!'

So how about you? Any good stories about first time meeting your significant other's family?

[Hope]

Well, lets see, the first and only meeting with my ex-husband's mother didn't go well at all. First off, his mother lives in Jamaica and doesn't get to the states much. I used to go out of my way to send things that she couldn't get in Jamaica that were relatively inexpensive here. I also sent pictures of our children to her at least once a month. Her son, my ex, didn't call and talk to her very often (once every four or six months) so to her I was to blame for their lack of communication. It wasn't that they didn't talk because of me, they didn't talk because that was the nature of their relationship. She eventually wrote him a letter stating "the white American girl" was keeping her son from her. So, that being said, the first meeting didn't go well. Her son, who has such a 'wonderful' relationship with her, didn't go with me to meet her for the first time so it was just me and our children. We stayed for about 45 minutes and she didn't speak to me at all except to say hello and goodbye. What a treat ;o)

[ken]

Sorry that this had to happen to you Hope. It is terribly important to me to defend my wife before my family. When my wife first met my parents we both were not that mature. We all have grown since then, and have learned to forgive each other as a family for slights. I think my parents had to see that i wasnt playing around with marriage, that I really love Tammi and that she really loves me, and that there isnt anything anybody could do about that, then they just accepted her. Incidentally, my uncle is in an interracial marriage, so I do not think it was about prejudice. Once a month we get together as family and eat and have a good time. Tammi doesnt get treated any different (I am sensitive to that). Once when I felt one of my uncles was picking on Tammi, I told him to his face to back off. He was in shock that i would stand up for her. I could tell by their reactions that the rest of the family (especially my mom) admired me for standing up for my wife. With African-American families you have to "get in where you fit in". You cannot be a shrinking violet.

[ken]

um, my marriage is somewhat an interesting story. Maybe i will tell some time. I will only say that i knew Tammi for two weeks before I married her. Actually it was slightly less because i was stationed overseas at the time. It is funny because sometimes the people who do talk about it ask the same question. People see you through the racial baggage that they happen to be carrying.

[Grateful-Mommy]

It is funny because that is the same exact question we always get. In reality, my family has always welcomed my husband with open arms from a race standpoint but religiously my mom still badgers him to this day about converting to Christianity. His family... his father was always OK with me, his mom on the other hand... she always was, let's say, distant when I came by. She always said hello and went to the kitchen for the rest of the visit. Later, I found out that she used to ask him all the time, "what is wrong with you!!... all of these beautiful, black women that you should have to go outside your race!"

Everything changed when she got breast cancer. I was always there helping her out even she hated me. She was my loves mommy, I had to help. She recovered well from her breast cancer for about 3 months it was like a huge happy family. She then was diagnosed with brain cancer. We nursed her for about a year before she died. In the end she thanked me for taking great care of her baby boy and told me she loved me. She had seem us get married and gave us her blessing.

[ken]

Yeah, my mom showed hostility too, but i saw through the smoke screen she put up and understood that it probably would not have mattered who i brought home. Whoever it was would have gotten a hard time from my mom. My family has this reputation for giving the women the men bring home a hard time. Even my uncles go through it. You know, the "nobody is good enough for my baby" attitude. Really though mothers just want to know that their son's chosen mate really loves them. When my mother finally saw that love (plus the fact that i let it be known that Tammi wasn't going anywhere), she stopped giving my wife "the business".

[Grateful-Mommy]

I think that is so true. It is the fact that no one is good enough for her baby. But honestly, I cannot blame her. There are so many people out there up to no good. Hell, my husband is saying how our daughter (9mths old) won't be dating until she is 30!! Sometimes the harshness of moms and dads is really rooted in the fact that they don't want to see their baby hurt.